Lean Out Before Leaning In

Clockwise: German Chancellor Angela Merkel, former Secretary of State
Condolezza Rice; Madonna; Facebook COO Sheryl Sandberg:
Malala Yousafza; Venus Williams.

“Lean In” Sheryl Sandberg tells us. “Don’t be afraid to take a seat at the table.” “We must raise both the ceiling and the floor.” These are just a few of the feminist mantras that have made waves over the last year – thanks in part to Ms. Sandberg and her predecessors, who've paved a path of empowerment for women in the workplace and in the world. To many, these phrases may just be sound bites that have found their way onto numerous Facebook posts or Pinterest boards, but for others, they represent the building blocks of a revamped feminist philosophy.

Despite the bravado and progressive angle behind these sentiments, there are implied limitations that have been and continue to be debated. ...
If you do a quick Google search for Sheryl Sandberg or her book Lean In, you’ll get the requisite results that lead to bios, interviews and overviews about both Ms. Sandberg and her book and her most recent campaign to “ban bossy.” But as you start to dig deeper, you’ll see links to stories, posts, and opinion pieces that start to deconstruct and criticize what Ms. Sandberg is saying – her point of view, her advice, and her efforts to create a dialog for people to discuss feminist topics. In fact, if you search “Sheryl Sandberg controversy” you’ll get about 220,000 hits, and when you search “Lean In controversy” you get over 17 million.  Obviously, from a positive viewpoint, this means that Ms. Sandbergs’ book really hit a nerve with people – good and bad – and prompted discussions about women and leadership. However, those results also show that even though women in many parts of the world have made leaps and bounds in gaining leadership positions in the workforce and in society, there is still a lot of trepidation and concern about how women should achieve that.

The biggest criticism lodged at Ms. Sandberg and her feminist decree is that what she is preaching doesn’t apply to all women – that it is unrealistic and elitist. The arguments claim that women of lower income brackets – like many single moms, under-educated women, and minority women – don’t necessarily have the resources available to them to make their way into that corner office. And while that argument is very valid, it misses the underlying point Lean In is trying to make – that to bolster women’s ability to lead in life and work, there must be support and encouragement from not only men but also other women. And it is that collaboration among women that seems to be the Achilles heel to achieving equality between the sexes. Women must begin to embrace, empower and embolden each other instead of finding ways to disparage other women for how they look or act, what they say, or how they live their lives. Even more importantly, women should stop self-criticizing and placing unimaginable and unattainable expectations on themselves. Only then can women begin to lead the way in changing stereotypes, in demanding equality, and in reimagining and redefining their role in society.

And, so, how do we do this? How do we break the dichotomous cycle of supporting other women, while simultaneously undermining any success they might achieve?

We begin by equally loving and promoting the courage and dedication of young girls like Malala Yousafza alongside the creative and independent spirit of young women like Miley Cyrus. We begin to find strength and sustenance in women leaders like Gabrielle Giffords, Condolezza Rice, Hilary Clinton, Madeline Albright, Angela Merkel and Christine Lagarde – not because of their politics or the way they dress or act, but because they are women who dreamed, achieved, and inspired. And, rightly so, we must also open our hearts and minds to women who are leaders in other arenas, who rouse us to never hold back, never shrink away, and to connect with our femininity and embrace it – women like Madonna, Oprah, Venus Williams, actress Jennifer Lawrence, and maybe, just maybe, even reality star Kim Kardashian.

It doesn’t seem like an easy task – especially when it’s tempting to let our own insecurities, doubts, stereotypes, and subconscious societal viewpoints get in our way. But all of these women, and so many more that are in and out of the spotlight, provide varying degrees of what it means to be a woman leader today. Instead of focusing on our differences, let us begin to focus on our similarities – how each woman, in her own way, rewrites the rules and reshapes the image of what it means to be a 21^st century woman.

And finally, we must begin to open our minds and our hearts to the women in our own small world – the stay-at-home moms, the housewives, the working moms, the single moms, the childless married women, the single gals, and all the other types of women that make up our world. We must begin to accept them as equal to us and to hold off on judgments, opinions, and perceptions on their choices and their beliefs. Extending support, friendship, and acceptance are the greatest gifts women can give each other. And even more importantly, those gifts provide a healthy and aspiring example for the young girls and women in our lives.

I believe the key to achieving a kind of feminism that embraces diversity and liberation is what Sheryl Sandberg emphatically states in the last chapter of Lean In: “Because feminism wasn’t supposed to make us feel guilty, or prod us into constant competitions over who is raising children better, organizing more cooperative marriages, or getting less sleep. It was supposed to make us free – to give us not only choices but the ability to make these choices without constantly feeling that we’d somehow gotten it wrong.” (167). Ultimately, women must begin to not only “lean in” to the potential they have, but they must also “lean out” of their own circles of perceptions and expectations, and begin to embrace all women and all the experiences, values, opinions and perceptions that they offer. Only then will women be able to truly find an equal footing, an equal standing, and an equal seat in society.